Ending a relationship with someone you’ve spent part of your life with is never easy but it’s what you do after leaving the relationship which determines whether you will recover and move forward or stay hopelessly obsessed with the person and the situation and staying stuck in the past instead of moving forward.
If you truly want to move forward after ending a toxic relationship, make sure you avoid the following recovery mistakes, which can ultimately spell disaster for you and stop you from moving forwards.
I am writing this blog to help you and am certainly not coming from a place of judgement, but from a place of my own experiences and those of my clients and followers. I am sharing these three mistakes from a place of caring for your recovery and for your future because I know first hand how tough this can be.
Before I share the three mistakes many people make, I just wanted to go over some basics about narcissistic recovery because I think this is very important or you get stick in a vortex of never truly moving on.
1) Stop reading and googling huge amounts of material around narcissism and narcissistic behaviours. All this does is attract more to you because your whole mindset is consumed with narcissism and keeps your neural pathways entrenched in trauma and PTSD responses.
2) Don’t agree to “stay friends” – This is particular hard for empaths BUT how can you stay friends with someone who has mistreated you so badly? Would you treat your friends like that? Would you want your son or daughter dating someone like that? Powerful questions….
3) Avoid thinking there is a way to keep a narcissist in your life and that somehow, you will be able to manage the abuse in tolerable ways. I tried for many years thinkingthere must be a way to be amicanle in all of this but the harder you try, the more it fuels the narcissist
4) Don’t believe all that’s needed to heal from narcissistic abuse is simply to leave the relationship. Studies have shown toime and time again that sp;itting from a narcissist is one of the hardest and most traumatic experiences you will have especially if you have children with them.
So now to the three most common mistakes people will make which halts recovery from a narcissist.
1. Not being able to come to terms with the fact that the narcissist in our life is dangerous to our emotional and physical well-being.
On the surface, we hate the highs, lows, and the uncertainty of life with that person but it becomes a habit in our life that this is how it is, how it should be and how it will remain.It becomes like an addiction and our minds come up with all kinds of stories around why it’s not possible to leave. We need to base our reactions on REALITY not what our mind is perceiving to be reality. We must stick to fact and not deviate from this.
If you choose to see a situation as a tragedy, then you will respond accordingly as like will attract like. If you feel a victim of circumstance, that is exactly where you will remain. If you see that life is a journey and you are a student of life, you see that this is all a learning experience and this impacts your choices and reactions to each situation rather than the feeling of this is how it will stay forever.
The moment you feel you need to prove your worth to your partner should send warning signals to you and you need to think about your relationship and whether the time is now to think about leaving.
2. Having unrealistic expectations about how long it takes to feel better. Splitting from a Narcissist is completely different from splitting with anyone else.
We often set hugely unrealistic goals and expectations as to the speed of how we should recover. We want there to be a magic pill that will enable us to wake up one morning and be “fine” again. This puts a huge amount of unrealistic pressure on ourself and we are almost setting ourself up for failure.
As much as I wish I could say there’s a magic wand and I am a fairy godmother that will grant you instant restoration and a healed life, getting over an emotionally abusive relationship is a process. Like any transformation, healing is a journey of incremental successes and takes time and is upto each individual.
Instant recovery can happen but this is extremely rare. The truth is, when we leave an abusive relationship, we face the task of healing the damage that was done during that time plus it usually throws up a collective amount of issues that we have accumulated over our lifetime.
Healing takes time and is the combination of small and actionable steps each day which I can help people speed up with my divorce coaching to keep you moving forward and not staying stagnant in the past. Remember to be kind to yourself at this time becasue you have been traumatised from your relationship so don’t be too hard on yourself.
3. Avoiding the hard work of moving on because moving on would cause terrible identity loss and we would lose our secondary gain of remaining where we are.
For most people, moving on would cause a terrible identity loss because this is what we know and it is our life and a continual habit of we live. The truth is, you must WANT to move on. Many people stay where they are because they get lots of sympathy from friends and family and after coming from a place of desolution, this feels good to you as you are feeling like you matter and worthy again but this can hinder your recovery.
You must ask yourself, are you ready to heal? Are you truly ready to take steps to move forard and start your recovery from a narcissistic relationship?
It was only when I truly hit rock bottom that I was ready to begin my recovery process. My £70k debt, depression, anxiety and self harm wasn’t quite enough to make me truly take stepos to move forward. My catalyst was having my house repossessed. This was the final nail for ma and I truly knew I could not sink any lower and thats when my transformation and revery started.
So I tell people who aren’t ready to heal to start digging until they hit their rock bottom because that will be the time when you are ready to start recovering. Only you can decide that pint and sometimes you will say you are ready but you aren’t becasue you are still in a habit of living life with a narcissist and you are getting a secondary gain that you are afraid to let go of.
You must be ready to start living again, to start living the life YOU deserve and to move from your breakup to breakthrough.
YOU deserve to be HAPPY
YOU deserve to live a life FREE FROM ABUSE
YOU deserve to FLOURISH
YOU deserve to THRIVE
YOU deserve to be LOVED
Ending a toxic relationship is a catalyst to review everything in your life.
When I truly recovered from my divorce, I went on to create financial freedom, to look and feel the best I ever had, to find love again and live a truly happier and more flourishing life. This led me to becoming a divorce coach to help others truly transform their life. I came from a place of darkness and PTSD to a place where I feel true gratitude to my ex as he helped me learn so much about myslef and life and I am happuer now that I ever have been and feel truly blessed that out of darkness has come a light that is shining so bright within me and I now get to help others find their light too.
Breaking up from a narcissist is an opportunity for you to fix things you’ve been dragging around your whole life.
Yopu can reinvent yourself and find trule love with someone who deserves your love.
I want you to see your breakup as your SUPERPOWER just as I do.
I would love to share my 6 Steps of Breaking Free From A Narcissistic Ex to help you further on your road to recovery.
I am here to help you move forward so please connect with me on Facebook as I would love to be part of your healing journey whether that be for free with my freebies and Facebook community group or with 121 coaching with myself which you can message me to see how that could help you.
Your friend and Divorce & Breakup Coach,